Sad, mad, and glad.
Those are the only three emotions that the average person notices, as professor and researcher Brené Brown writes in her book Atlas of the Heart. But just take a second and think about all the other emotions that you know exist: love, jealousy, gratitude, disgust, disappointment, overwhelm, hope, pride, relief, reverence, anxiety, surprise, nostalgia, shame.…
The unavoidable truth is that most of us walk through life with a pretty low level of self-awareness. Most people don’t even know what they’re missing.
In this post, we’re going to take a closer look at self-awareness and how it relates to emotional intelligence. And most importantly, we’re going to ask: How does a lack of self-awareness affect your career?
What is self-awareness?
In a nutshell, self-awareness means that you understand yourself at a deep level. Your needs. Your drives. Your thought processes. Your emotions. Your strengths and weaknesses. Your values and motivations. How you affect the people around you. It means that you see and accept these fundamental parts of yourself.
For most people, that’s a tall order. In fact, we’d wager that most people prefer not to be self-aware because they want to avoid uncomfortable feelings like guilt and shame.
But if you’re the kind of person who wants more from your career, if you’re willing to push yourself, if you believe you’re capable of learning and growing, self-awareness will unlock all kinds of doors.
Self-Awareness & Emotional Intelligence
In the same way that you can’t just ignore expired fish in the fridge forever, you have to learn to face your emotions in order to grow your emotional intelligence and all of the other soft skills that emotional intelligence supports. Self-awareness is the first step in doing that.
In fact, there are three fundamental aspects of emotional intelligence that are dependent on self-awareness, according to Daniel Goleman, the psychologist who pioneered the concept of emotional intelligence and wrote the book Working with Emotional Intelligence.
1. Emotional awareness clues us in to how our emotions are affecting our thoughts, behavior, and interactions with others. This is especially important in the workplace, where expectations are high and stress and interpersonal conflict can trigger floods of feelings. Emotional awareness also helps us understand what’s important to us, like our goals and values.
2. Accurate self-assessment allows us to see ourselves as we really are. For example, when the boss asks you to take on something new, self-assessment is the skill that will help you accurately answer whether or not you know how to accomplish what’s being asked of you. Self-assessment also comes into play after the fact, when you reflect on and learn from your experiences. And it helps you keep learning and take in feedback from others.
3. Self-confidence is one of the lovely results of being aware of your strengths and values. When you know who you are, it’s easier to accept and let go of who you are not. This is something that employers and clients tend to really value. Not the false bravado of overconfidence, but the steady self-assurance that allows someone to innovate and bring valuable ideas and work to the table.
Imagine trying to have any of these traits without being aware of your inner self. You’d just be guessing—and probably getting it wrong a lot of the time.
James vs Julian: Self-Awareness in Action
Let’s take a look at some other important aspects of emotional intelligence as it plays out in the lives of two very similar coworkers: Julian and James. They’re both 38 years old and work as architects at a large firm.
Julian doesn’t like to overthink things. He loves his work and has a real knack for design. He’s one of those who’s aware of being sad, mad, or glad—but not much beyond that.
James is not only analytical as an architect, but he’s also introspective. He’s had quite a bit of practice being aware of what’s going on in his mind, heart, and gut. He also loves his work, but his level of self-awareness leads him to approach things rather differently than Julian.
Here are a few interesting moments that have happened recently at the architecture firm they work for:
Emotional Regulation
It’s Friday at 4pm, and the team has just gotten word that the client is changing the specs on a deliverable due Monday. Everyone is cranky and stressed.
James knows he’s got a bit of a temper. He takes a minute to breathe before he says anything, so he can avoid making an ass of himself.
Julian is feeling the pressure and has to let it out somehow. He goes on a rant about the clients (and their mothers) that leaves the team feeling even worse. [Alternative: Julian is cool on the surface, but he starts to get a headache for some reason. And a stomachache. Maybe his lunch was off? He needs to take the rest of the day off to recover—and now the team is a man down during crunch time.]
Empathy
On a different project, another client has just given some negative feedback and Flor, who presented the work, is nearly in tears.
James remembers a time when he got reamed by a client, how awful it felt, and what he wished someone had said to him in that moment. He takes a few minutes to reassure his distraught coworker.
Julian actually just got taken to task himself a week ago—and he does not want to think about it! The shame of it fizzes below the surface of his consciousness, making him really uncomfortable without knowing why. He feels a little better once he makes a few passive-aggressive comments to Flor. But she only feels worse.
Social Skills
David, the account lead, is having a hell of a day and making everyone else pay for it. In the team meeting, his usual smiles and banter have been replaced by frowns and grumbles. The vibe is tense.
James wants to jump in and ask what’s up, but he decides to wait. When the right moment arises, he comes out with a joke that breaks the tension and gets a laugh out of everyone—even David. The rest of the meeting feels a lot more normal.
Julian can’t stand dealing with other people’s emotions. Without really noticing, he tunes out of the meeting to avoid David’s bad mood. Because he wasn’t listening, Julian misses a few important updates about his project.
Motivation
Two new projects are starting in the next month: an ultramodern business center and a small-time history museum.
James feels that civic engagement is very important; it’s one of his core values. Even though the history museum is less prestigious, he requests to be on that project. His passion for giving back to the community helps keep him going even when the client proves to be very demanding.
Julian is excited to add a high-profile building to his portfolio, so he jumps at the chance to design the business center. When the going gets rough, he finds himself struggling to keep caring about the project. After all, he’s already got lots of other gorgeous work in his portfolio.
Adaptability
The moment everyone’s been dreading has arrived: the firm is officially switching the CAD software that all their architects are required to use.
James knew this day was coming, so he’s been researching various programs when he has free time. He doesn’t exactly like having to start over with new software, but he knows that staying up to date is important for his career.
Julian learned the old software really easily and he’s quite good at it. He doesn’t see why the change is even necessary. He’s looking for ways to avoid making the change, so he asks to be put on a project with a client who specifically requested the old software be used—even though the work he’ll be doing is rather dull and won’t advance his career in any way.
As you can see, James’ self-awareness makes his work life better, lowers his stress level, improves his performance, and helps him be a good team member. Julian, on the other hand, keeps missing opportunities and bringing others down because he’s controlled by emotions he doesn’t understand.
Think about these kinds of scenarios playing out year after year, and you can imagine that James will end up going a whole lot further in his career than Julian.
How self-aware are you?
Our emotions flow in a constant stream alongside our rational thoughts. But most people only become conscious of what they’re feeling when their emotions start to overflow: when they get too sad, mad, or glad to ignore it any longer.
If you want to become more self-aware, the first step is quite simple:
Spend some time by yourself, doing nothing.
As Daniel Goleman points out, doing nothing is “a time-honored way to get in touch with our deeper, quieter voice of feeling.” If that voice has been silenced for a long time, we need to learn how to hear it again.
If you’ve been surrounded by constant noise and distractions for a long time, it might feel a bit odd at first. Just keep trying.
Here are a few tips to get you started:
- Pick a peaceful, solitary activity that you like. You could try going for a walk, taking a bath, or lying down somewhere comfortable.
- Leave your phone behind (or put it on silent) and turn off the TV. (Seriously, don’t skip this.)
- You might find that keeping your hands busy frees up your mind. Even chores like washing dishes and folding clothes can help.
- If you keep getting distracted, try a timer. Start small (5 minutes or so) and work your way up.
- As thoughts occur to you and emotions pass through you, observe them but don’t try to analyze them. If something makes you curious, ask yourself, “Why is that?” and listen for a response.
- After you’re done, reflect on what you noticed about yourself.
Remember to be kind to yourself. The point of self-awareness is to know and understand, not to harshly judge or criticize.
Make a regular practice of doing nothing and you’ll be amazed at how much you learn.
Conclusion
In this age of automation and integration, soft skills are more important than ever. People who are savvy and determined enough to raise their emotional intelligence will find huge advantages with employers, clients, and colleagues. But without self-awareness, none of that is possible.
Self-awareness truly is the starting point for all emotional intelligence.
