From the outside, it looks like any other car on the road. But inside, a complex interpersonal dance is taking place. Frank and Gabby have been married a long time. They’ve been through a lot together and know each other through and through. And yet, they have their differences.
“Sweetie, we should stop by my mom’s house before we do our errands,” Gabby suggests.
Frank nods, but is silent for a moment. He knows they already have too much to do, and the weekend traffic makes everything more complicated.
“She’s had a really hard week, and I want to make sure she has all the groceries she needs,” Gabby continues.
Frank’s stress level ratchets up for a minute. But really, he loves his wife and wants to make her happy. So he starts inventorying his to-do list, figuring out what he can put off until later. It’ll all get done eventually, he thinks. Visiting Bella really is more important.
“Okay, let’s go!” he says and changes lanes to head to his mother-in-law’s.
—
Stories like this play out billions of times every day, all over the world. Because this happy couple represents two parts of our brains, which always have to collaborate even when they disagree.
The question is: who is really driving the car?
Thinking brain vs feeling brain
In his book Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope, Mark Manson uses the car metaphor to explain how your “thinking brain” and your “feeling brain” work together to make decisions on “the road of life.”
Your thinking brain gives you:
- Conscious thoughts
- Logic and reasoning
- Problem-solving and strategy
Your feeling brain serves up:
- Emotions
- Impulses
- Intuition
Both are important. Both are trying to keep you safe and do what’s best for you. But their methods are pretty much exact opposites.
We all believe we’re rational, because … we have thoughts! We have reasons for what we do! We make sense to us! But just like Francisco changing direction at the suggestion of his darling wife, our thinking brain works to rationalize what the feeling brain tells it. It changes its ideas and priorities based on the input it receives from the feeling brain.
When it comes down to it, none of us is as rational as we think we are. None of us.
There’s nothing wrong with that—it’s just part of being human.
The problems start when we aren’t able to face the fact that we aren’t perfectly rational. We get into bad habits because we’re fooling ourselves. We butt heads with others and arrogantly refuse to acknowledge others’ perspectives. We make crappy decisions and just keep doubling down.
Of course, this all happens on a spectrum. Your feeling brain won’t just grab the wheel for no reason and drive you off the side of the road.
But if you’re trying to improve your career and take control of your life, you have to understand what lies below the surface of your own thought processes.
What is emotional intelligence?
That understanding of your mind’s deeper workings is part of what’s called emotional intelligence. The idea was first explored in detail by Daniel Goleman, the pioneering psychologist who summed it up as: “abilities such as being able to motivate oneself and persist in the face of frustrations; to control impulse and delay gratification; to regulate one’s moods and keep distress from swamping the ability to think; to empathize and to hope.”
Sounds like … a lot. But we can break it down pretty simply, using a framework created by Dr. Goleman:
Emotional intelligence involves observing what’s going on within ourselves and in others—and then responding wisely and with purpose.
Some people are born gifted in this area, just like some are born with a high IQ. But remember: our brains have an amazing capacity for lifelong learning. No matter where you’re starting from, you can raise your emotional intelligence. And the benefits will change your life.
The importance of emotional intelligence
Dr. Goleman’s work has inspired a ton of research studies, exploring how emotional intelligence affects our lives. And the results are stunning.
People with high emotional intelligence experience:
- 34% lower risk of developing anxiety and depression
- 45% higher satisfaction in their romantic partnership
- 36% less chronic stress
- 29% higher academic performance
- 23% more satisfying social relationships
- 32% greater resilience and ability to handle stress
- 35% higher overall satisfaction with their life
If you add up all of those effects, you’re looking at a completely different quality of life. And all that based simply on understanding and managing your own emotions and those of others.
Emotional intelligence at work
Of all the soft skills, emotional intelligence is one of the most important when it comes to your career. More than that—emotional intelligence is sorely lacking in Latin America. That scarcity makes it even more valuable to employers and clients across the region.
Worldwide, research shows that high emotional intelligence leads to:
- 20% higher job performance
- 60% less work-related stress
- 33% higher level of interest and involvement at work
- 37% higher sales
- 25% more success in resolving conflicts
- 40% higher chance of promotion
Clearly, emotional intelligence is one of the most powerful soft skills anyone can learn.
But what does it actually mean to use emotional intelligence in your career? Here are some examples:
Examples of self-awareness in your career
- Recognizing your strengths and where you could improve
- Knowing what times of the day you’re most productive
- Knowing when to ask for help or feedback from your teammates
- Looking back at the end of a project to think about what you did well and what you could do better next time
- Knowing what you’re passionate about
Examples of self-management in your career
- Taking a minute to calm yourself before a presentation
- Pulling your thoughts together before responding to a disgruntled colleague
- Keeping a positive attitude even when the client’s request keeps changing
- Setting clear boundaries with demanding coworkers
- Adapting mentally when the schedule changes
Examples of social awareness in your career
- Noticing that a team member looks stressed out
- Deciding whether a prospective client will be good to work with
- Tailoring your services for international clients with different cultures
- Showing empathy to a frustrated customer
- Listening actively when a team member shares their concerns
Examples of relationship management in your career
- Building rapport with clients and coworkers
- Collaborating to figure out a solution when conflict arises
- Giving constructive feedback to a colleague to help them improve one of their weak spots
- Networking to make connections in your industry
- Actively participating in a brainstorming session with your team
Chances are, you’re already doing some of these things well. The question is: do you know where you could stand to improve?
The first step
We’re going to suggest one thing that you can start doing right now to raise your emotional intelligence.
It’s quick, it’s free, and no one will even know you’re doing it.
Are you ready?
Observe your own emotions in real time.
That’s all it takes to start.
When you take a quiet moment to watch yourself, you’ll see a constant flow of random feelings, impulses, and thoughts pour through your mind. Some of them will be obvious and make sense to you. Some of them will make you say, “Wait, what?”
But don’t judge what you’re seeing—not yet. Just watch.
Keep in mind that emotions are data. They tell us how we’re being affected by the world around us, the events in our life, our memories, our relationships, and our thoughts. Emotions in and of themselves aren’t good or bad, just like numbers aren’t good or bad.
So just observe yourself. You’ll be surprised at how much you can learn. Once you’ve gotten comfortable with this first step, you’ll be ready to start learning how to manage your feeling brain.
Conclusion
Raising your emotional intelligence will pay lifelong dividends in your career, your relationships, your mental health, and even your physical health.
This isn’t an overnight journey—but every step will take you closer to the end goal. And it all begins with self-awareness.
Sources
Manson, Mark. Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope. Harper, 2019.
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Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Increasing emotional intelligence through training: Current status and future directions. The International Journal of Emotional Education, 5(1), 56-72.
Parker, J. D. A., Creque, R. E., Barnhart, D. L., Harris, J. I., Majeski, S. A., Wood, L. M., … & Hogan, M. J. (2004). Academic achievement in high school: Does emotional intelligence matter? Personality and Individual Differences, 37(7), 1321-1330.
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Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam Books.
Jordan, P. J., Ashkanasy, N. M., & Hartel, C. E. J. (2002). Emotional intelligence as a moderator of emotional and behavioral reactions to job insecurity. Academy of Management Review, 27(3), 361-372.
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